An interpretation of Goodbye by vuzel (Marianna Stelmach) on DeviantArt
I have realised lately that I have a big problem. Many work colleagues have been leaving the company at once and I find it impossible to watch their office leaving presentations and listen to the speeches without crying. And it’s nothing personal, but I NEVER go to after-work leaving “dos”. I’m not particularly sad, it’s just that tears are a reflex I can’t stop.
I am hoping someone out there can suggest a solution to this. What can I do to nip it in the bud when I start welling up?
Recently David Tennant and Billie Piper’s Doctor Who goodbye was voted the greatest sci-fi scene ever. I can’t bear to watch it again. I’d blub.
Rose Tyler (Billie Piper) cries in the scene, too, but somehow manages to do it without looking a complete blotchy mess there and then and with “eyes like pissholes in the snow” (as someone once said) for days afterwards.
Rose Tyler (Billie Piper) stays beautiful although going through a tragic farewell…
For Rose and the Doctor what could be worse than being condemned to live in a universe parallel to that of the person you love? A similar separation of Lyra and Will in Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials left me close to tears for weeks after I had read the books.
Also around at the moment is The Fault in Our Stars, which seems to be an intentional tearjerker book/film about teenage love and death. I won’t be putting myself through THAT one!
What can I do when my throat starts to hurt and tears well up?
It’s not just the moment of goodbye, either. In the run-up to someone leaving, I sometimes try to catch a time when I am “feeling strong” to say look, I probably won’t talk to you on your last day, but just know I think you’re great and wish you the best, etc.
The last time I tried that it worked but I then had to beat a hasty retreat before I weakened. The time before when I tried it I got all choked with tears in the middle of my words. It was a lovely workmate going back to Australia and I guess it was just because he had sat opposite me for a while and he reminded me of my brother…
I suspect that may shed light on my recurring tearfulness. My much older brother emigrated to Australia when I was 11. I recall the long drive to Southampton to see off him and his wife. We didn’t actually hang around to see them board the ship, but I still have in my mind an image of waving them off with my handkerchief as the ship left the quay.
Departure of the Titanic by Simon Fisher – it’s how I (falsely) remember seeing my brother off to Australia in the 1960s!
A few years ago I made a ridiculous tearful goodbye to a trainee reporter on attachment from a national newspaper for a few months. OK, she sat next to me, and was a nice girl, but I was a complete blubbering wreck on her last day and that was totally out of proportion! Probably made worse (and better), by the lovely bunch of flowers she gave me that day…
Lovely flowers from a trainee reporter I hardly knew…
It’s the poignancy of these situations I can’t stand! The word “poignant” comes from Old French, from Latin pungere, “to sting or prick”. Same root, of course, as “pungent”, generally meaning “sharp”, as in a smell. The stinging in the eyes and nose, the pricking of the heart and mind…
I think too much about it. It’s logical, I suppose, when the leaver is someone I have worked with closely for 20 years (as has happened lately) – all those past memories come flooding back and you know you will probably never see them again, in a working and messing around together sense.
But less logical was my reaction when recently I was told I would be changing jobs (a sort of promotion, though no pay rise). I would be in the same room, but it would mean I would no longer manage the small team of wonderful people I had built over the last 18 months. I couldn’t tell them for days as I choked up every time I thought about it. Ridiculous! I’m a manager, I’m supposed to be a grown-up!
The death of Bambi’s mother is the closest I can get to illustrating my own mother’s death…
I lost my mother when I was 10. She was sleeping in the same bed as me and I couldn’t wake her up. I never said goodbye. I was hurried away with a friendly grocer who was delivering to the shop opposite, to go with him and his family to see the Queen opening a wholesale fruit and veg market that day. I was sick on the way there and sick on the way back. But I don’t recall crying.
I had cried many times, though, when my mother was in hospital and I had to be dragged away at the end of a visit or when it was discovered I was too young to be there. Maybe that’s the root of all this?
When someone leaves or circumstances change, all my thoughts come back to death and loss and growing old. I’ve tried mentally singing a happy song, but failed, for example…
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life by Monty Python
or
Don’t Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin
…but I can’t keep it up. I know I’m fooling myself.
There are some goodbye songs so poignant that they make me cry even if I’m happy…
Now is the Hour (when we must say goodbye)
– I can’t get past the first two words of this one without crying. I recall it was always the song they played at the end of New Zealand rugby tours over here. I realise now it IS the words NOT the tune, as I can listen to it in the original Maori (sung here by Kiri Te Kanawa) with no problem.
Leaving Nancy by The Fureys – I can’t get as far as the first chorus!
The Last Farewell by Roger Whittaker – so cheesy I’m OK with that one.
The Leaving of Liverpool by The Dubliners – it’s not so very bad.
Never Can Say Goodbye by Gloria Gaynor – this is quite upbeat, but then it’s about NOT saying goodbye.
Good-byee from Oh What a Lovely War – this tries to be cheerful, but what a hidden agenda! I suppose the message is “Don’t think about it…”
So I need to be distracted. Any suggestions what I should try to think about at times of farewell? Just don’t ask me to be logical!
The Squirrelbasket 
Lovely post, so well thought out and so well written. I’ve had this problem, too. Certainly your mother’s death could be the source of your tearfulness, as every loss dips into that deep well of sadness.
My own unstoppable tears, especially in the workplace, often came from anger rather than sadness. A wise person explained this to me. Little girls are taught that anger is not appropriate. We were taught not to shout, not to push, not to fight. All of this behaviour is not “ladylike”. Crying, on the other hand, is the very essence of “girlishness”. So, later in life, when this big feeling hits us, we hide the nature of the feeling from ourselves. We can’t be angry, so we express the feeling as sadness.
Just a thought–it may not apply to you at all. š
Interesting thoughts – thank you.
And you are right about the anger sometimes translating into tears. Not lately, but I certainly went through that phase!
All the best š
I find I am more weepy over things as I get older and can’t watch upsetting programmes because they get to me. That must have been very traumatic for you to lose your ma like that- would it be worth finding someone reputable and qualified to talk that over with? I have spent 17 years working as a healer and so often problems date back to something that wasn’t worked through properly at the time. Just a thought. x
It’s interesting you say “upsetting” programmes. I’m not sure what you mean by that, but I don’t cry at “big” issues like animal cruelty or abused children or starving millions (I guess that just makes me angry).
It’s the partings and losses and deaths I can’t stand – even if it’s a movie where I know it’s going to end happily!
In denial about my own mortality, I think.
You are probably right that I need a healer or therapist. Maybe one day…
Thanks for the thoughts š
I’m glad I’m not the only blubberer – I too hate goodbyes, sad films, sad songs anything starts me off – I think I’ve got worse as I get older. I’m far too sentimental for my own good.
That’s it, exactly, “anything starts me off”.
All the best š
two great losses at 10 and 11, must leave deep marks within you.
I’m by nature not tearful. I’ve been the one saying goodbye, leaving – which is easier than staying. And left my colleagues … in tears. It is part of what makes you, you.
I guess you are right, it’s the ones “left behind” that feel it.
However, I wonder if I have been with the same company all my working life because I can’t bear to go to my own leaving do!
Thanks for you kind words š
I only changed jobs because we immigrated, and emigrated and …
I guess we are all either globetrotters (one of my brothers emigrated and the other was a sailor) or stay-at-homes (like me). Think I can guess which you are…
All the best š
not so much my choice, as that I married foreign, and the rest is our history
So many random meetings determine the paths of our lives š
That really was tragic for you at ten. I can only imagine how that impacted your life even to today. As for the crying, I can’t help you out. I myself cry very little.
Oh, you are lucky, to be such a “grown-up”! I’m sure I went through a pretty stable stage, but now, as I get older, it grows worse again.
Although it could just be I need a holiday! It has been pretty tough at work lately.
All the best – hope everything in the garden remains lovely for you š
I have this problem too Pat. It’s not just goodbyes though. I can’t watch the news because it is upsetting. I also cry at anything with pomp and ceremony and of course when the boys were younger, their school plays.
My father used to despair of me. Why was I crying? He didn’t understand that it touched me in some way (and as a child I couldn’t verbalise why. Actually I still can’t!). Even though dad died when I was 19 I’ve been this way all my life! I don’t have much control now I’m older either …
I always have my sunglasses handy. Yes, even in the winter hahaha.
Sorry not much help.
Shaz
Actually that was a great help, as it means I’m not alone.
Yes, the “pomp” gets me, too. Worse than that is church services – not just funerals but weddings, too! That stained glass just makes me well up!
And my nephews were brought up Catholic. Worst were all those little “brides of Jesus” in their white frocks at the confirmation service! And anyone’s school plays.
Sadly I already wear glasses and my prescription sunglasses don’t hide very much!
My dad died when I was 21, so not so different from your situation…
By the way, I am currently reading Between Two Seas by Marie-Louise Jensen and enjoying it. Who said I didn’t read romance?
All the best š
YA romance? or the parents? I do like Marie-Louise Jensen’s novels I’ve read. I still haven’t read Daughter of Fire and Ice (on my Kindle). I need a year sabbatical hahaha
I was horrified when I saw Between Two Seas classified as a “children’s book”!
I am certainly getting a taste for historical romance alongside my usual sci-fi. That’s the wonder of Kindle.
Reading books must be a busman’s holiday for you. I know when I used to review it put me off books for a while!
But please don’t stop š
I am planning on slowing down to be honest Pat! But it is my escape š Happy Reading
Likewise (in terms of slowing down) – I am actually starting to consider that one day I’ll retire from full-time work. As being a journalist is what defines me, it’s difficult to face not being that any more…
All the best š
Recently talking about this at work as a colleague is reducing hours to two days. Although exciting for her to meet up with her friends who are already retired, you do lose a part of your identity.
I think that if I survive until I retire, I will probably volunteer somewhere …
Likewise. I am already eyeing up the charity shops to see which one I’ll work in! Oxfam book shop, I think!
All the best š
A very thought-provoking piece Pat, and comforting to know I’m not the only one that suffers from leaky-eye syndrome and that the triggers for it can be quite random! I I recently came upon one of those inspirational quotes that said something along the lines of it taking strength to show emotion, which I am more than happy to go along with. I’m sure also that tears release some chemical or other that is produced when we are upset, so better out than in.
I certainly agree it’s better out than in, as I usually feel a bit “purified” after a good weep. But still can’t accept the idea that I’m not being silly…
All the best š